Golden Jirl

Cancer patient told

Admin is a strange thing, in a flurry of papers and databases, it isn’t surprising if sometimes your appointment for chemical skin peels is canceled or if you’re double booked for a flight to Toronto.

However The Independant reported on an article where a cancer patient was literally told that he’s dead. 63 year old Alan Campbell, who suffers from skin cancer, was shocked to be told the words “You’re dead”when he tried to make an appointment at a hospital. The former lorry driver of Little Harwood, Blackburn, Lancashire, said “I rang on Saturday and was told I could see a consultant on June 29.”but got the shock of the life when he got the reply from an operator dealing with his call saying “Sorry, we can’t give you an appointment, our records show you are deceased”.

A dumbfounded Mr.Campbell replied “I said you’re joking, I’m only 63, I’m talking to you, aren’t I?”but was told by the operator to sort it out with his GP. Mr. Campbell contacted his GP who told him that the problem was now resolved, but on calling on the hospital again his records stated that he was deceased.

Eventually the hospital apologised for their error and made an appointment for July 29. However he is still upset at the ordeal, saying “I’m not one for complaining, but when somebody says you’re dead it’s not on.”

NHS Blackburn with Darwen Teaching Care Trust Plus launched the investigation after Mr. Campbell used the NHS Choose and Book system to make an appointment at his local hospital.

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Baby Come Back!

I didn’t used to watch The One Show much, I just had it on in the background while I thought about my time spent teaching overseas. And I don’t mean that actually I did used to watch The One Show much and I secretly love it. I really do mean I had it on in the background.

But it was only when Adrian Chiles left The One Show that I realized the horrifying truth of the matter…and what I had become: I did indeed used to watch The One Show a great deal–Secretly, out of the corner of my eye, in a subconscious way, whatever you want to call it, I did watch the show, and I took it all in. I know this because I am now mourning the loss of Adrian Chiles from The One Show in a very surreal and uncomfortable, heart-breaking way! Every time that awful new presenter comes on (I can’t bare to utter his name, and even if I knew his name I wouldn’t utter it! He can barely call himself a presenter next to Chiles anyway…) I just despair now. I wonder how I will cope in the future. I really do wonder why I didn’t read my subconscious signs earlier (maybe because my subconscious is sneaky; it always has been quite sneaky). Perhaps then I would have embraced The One Show more and then I would have been able to stare at Adrian Chiles’s amazingly un-sexy yet somehow interesting bat-style face more and now I wouldn’t be in the mess I am in–

Woe is me!

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Be Like Mark

Let’s be honest, shall we? Just as some people are not suitable candidates for prime minister – like many of the prime minister’s we have ended up with over the years– – not everyone is a suitable candidate for working from home. Yes, Mark, the quiet guy at the office (doesn’t every office have a Mark?) who works away without needing to be told to get a move on is always going to do far better at this than overweight Michael–the joker of the office who needs a good hard kick up the arse just to remind him to turn up to work on time. So, with that in mind, how (when you are a male or female version of Michael, God help you…) do you convince your boss to let you work from home, in a bid to be able to eat more pizza and generally improve your life and get away from the losers at the office? You show him this, is what you do, it really is genius.

Please note: this guide only shows you how to work efficiently from home. Sorry, if you are a Michael (or Michaela, as the case may be) then it can’t turn you in to a Mark–I’m afraid you’ll just have to get very good at pretending to be conscientious.

Anyway, this guide is good. Really good. The Enigin guys and girls are clearly all more like Mark and know their stuff. This comprehensive guide covers all the bases, making your case for working from home pretty much water-tight.

So what are you waiting for? Away with you, go lie and blag…

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Tips for Useless Savers

I was always really good at saving money, but all that changed one day when I discovered that wondrous thing called “chocolate”. Suddenly, saving money was extremely difficult, and adding to my problem was the fact that when I was a child “Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory” was an absurdly popular film. Those were tough times!

I talk about chocolate in relation to this article (which is about the following blog post) because I was eating a bar of it when I came across it. The article contains numerous handy tips on energy saving and is definitely worth a read. I still haven’t grown out of my chocolate addiction so I think I may have to read the list again–

And these are good tips that everyone can employ to actually save money. It’s not just a load of made up old nonsense. No, there are tips on how to save money by turning things off when you don’t need to use them (this may sound obvious, but that is indeed how we waste so much energy as a society) and tips on how to replace light-bulbs (with no jokes in sight). And to back these tips up there are figures, too. And if saving as much as 50 quid a year by doing a simple task isn’t enough then Enigineven go on to talk about adjusting your thermostat and how that can be mutually beneficial for both you and the environment.

Which begs the question: why aren’t you over at the site yet?

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Secrets, Sorry and Sandra!

Sandra Bullock is full of mystery these days. Though the actress has been hounded by the paparazzi in the recent times, no one could have known what Sandra intended to pull out of the bag. In the midst of all the media glare and hype, The Blind Side star managed to adopt a baby boy and file for divorce! While the divorce isn’t surprising considering soon to be ex beau, Jesse James’ antics (who if you ask me could benefit from some laser tattoo removal), baby Louis has stolen the show.

The adoption, which was apparently a secret for everyone else except the family, was finally confirmed by the mommy herself. The gutsy actress was able to shield her new one from media glare by using ‘dark cars and decoys’ as she claims. The whole Academy Award frenzy and her husband’s sexy not so innocent acts drove Sandra to give it all away. Now that Louis is known to us, Sandra is gearing up for legal separation with her husband who was also a part of the ongoing adoption process since the past four years.

The drama doesn’t end here and the juiciest bit is yet to come. Looks like Jesse’s ex mistress, Michelle McGee, has sent Sandra an apology letter! Yikes! What else can you expect from someone who is best known for pole dancing at strip clubs? The bombshell marriage wrecker thinks that James is the one responsible for the hurt caused to Sandra but still feels she owes an apology to Sandra. Wonder where her conscience was partying when she was getting up, close and totally personal with Jesse James. Well, it’s rise and shine for the tattooed lady and she seems to have found a new way to make news.

The good part is that Sandra bullock seems unperturbed. Her little one is all that matters for her and the pending divorce hearing is what she is concentrating on. Seems like sorry isn’t enough for Sandra! Cheers girl, we salute you!

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If Only…

People who want to meet at precise times, like the scandalous quarter-to-four, half-five and seven p.m. get on my nerves. It’s so rigid, isn’t it? I’m a girl and I work in the city and rigid is the last thing I need. It might be good on some occasions, but it’s also a pain. I mean, why can’t we all meet up at seven-minutes-past-eight and nine-minutes-to-three?

If women were in charge of the world then I doubt we’d even need to plan to meet up at a specific time. How would things be different if women ruled the world? Well, technology would be better for one thing, and we’d have amazing inventions, like the oversized beach towel that could be folded and put in a tiny hand-bag. How else? Like this: the women of the world would, when left alone, get on with making things and talking about things properly like adults (unlike some men). Because of this technology would progress quicker and I am quite confident that by now (with men out of the way, I don’t know, they could do the weeding couldn’t they?) mind-reading would have become a normal everyday thing. All the women would have plugged in to one super brain, you see (without the men interfering, and what a thought!) and the world would run like clock-work. There you have it: no need to plan to meet up or plan anything. No need to discuss what clothes look the best either, we’d all just be able to plug in to the super woman brain and find out like that.

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Listen: This Is Very important

Pouting is a hard thing to do. Really hard. Not just anyone can do it. But here is the disgusting thing, people–So many people think they can!

After the release of that film Zoolander, everyone on earth thought they could pout and pout well. Suddenly, after a million year pout-drought, the streets and fields and cities of this world were FULL of pouting enthusiasts who thought that just by watching a film they could cut it with the best of us.

Well I’m telling you, if that’s you, you can’t. So don’t bother.

Pouting is sacred, you see. It should be well and truly left alone unless you know exactly what you’re doing. It’s like anything–training to become a doctor or becoming a priest. It’s a special, almost spiritual journey. My point? Not everyone is suitable for such a journey, just as not everyone is built with the right physique to make it all the way along the Great Wall Of China without passing out.

And no, if you thought this was going to turn in to some ‘how to pout guide’ then you are very much mistaken. And also no, I will not give out any professional advice such as 'vitamin a skin cream is good for pouting'(which for the record it is not, so ha!). It is not turning in to this at all! The very thought of such a guide makes my skin crawl.

So there you go, you have been warned. Pout well or pout and die!

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Girls…Be More Careful

Sometimes you say you’ll do something–(like say “yes”to some trial Hair loss medication on a small patch of your leg in exchange for money and discover that it’s more powerful than the lady told you…and you get a hellish rash!) And it transpires that you really should have thought a bit more about it first–

Like Last Thursday. Last Thursday I had had it with my friend Barry. He was moaning, again, about how hard being a man was, and how being a woman was better because it had its perks (he held his hands to his chest as he did this, in that disgusting way that men so often do). So I flipped and said, “How hard can it be Barry? Don’t make me laugh!”

Barry said, “Go on then.”

I said, “What?”

“Be a bloke for a day if it’s so easy!” he said. “Then you’ll see.”

Stupidly I said, “Fine by me.”

The next day Barry met me in town to make sure I was suitably manly looking. I have a reasonable chest, so that was the only thing that let me down, he said. Otherwise I looked the part and could pass for a slightly feminine looking man. So off I went in to town. And pretty soon I was laughing thinking I’d been right and Barry was wrong–

Then came the first door slamming in my face, with no apology! I thought it had to be a fluke, of course, an accident, so I followed a man in to a department store and–it happened again! Another door right in my face! I was so riled that I almost stopped and shouted “I am a woman! Men, where are your manners?!”

So, as it turned out Barry was right and I was wrong. Remember that, because I shall not say it again.

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The 50%

There’s around a 50% chance that you’re a woman if you’re reading this (because men want to read about women just as much as women want to read about men). Man or woman, the case in point is irrelevant: I have something to say, and it’s as true as the fact that you will loose weight after undergoing gastric balloon surgery. Here it is: I’m sick of women making out that while they are having a period, they are as rational, logical and reasonable as otherwise. There! I’m not suggesting that they are completely unreasonable while they are having a period either. What I am saying is that women can loose their patience / fly in to a rage / be unreasonable while having one. That’s just life. So sorry if you’re a woman, but that’s just the way it is.

The point is this: it’s gotten to the point that men aren’t allowed to talk about PMS – it’s that much of a taboo. Worse, there is a faction of females who think that men use the PMS thing as an insult; some of them then go on to say that they are unaffected when they have a period. That this makes no difference to the way they live their life. Well, I’m sorry, but periods do affect women, and they do affect hormones. That’s just the way it is. By saying that they are not affected they are saying, in a way, that they are superhuman. Which is a ridiculous, ludicrous, and downright absurd thing to say. I’m not trying to wage a war here, this just needs to be said.

And it isn’t just me who thinks this. To research this piece I asked a number of women how PMS affected them, and their answers back my writing up. So, next time you start shouting about saying that men are insulting women and that they don’t know what they are talking about, know this: we don’t know, we’re not women. But if you’d like to tell us we’d be happy to listen.

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The Tea Rage

When you think of violence and drama you think of gangs, Eastenders, movies. And I don’t blame anyone for thinking of these things first. But know this reader: none of these things compare with the tension that flies when two lovers of tea arrive at the supermarket shelf and discover that only one box of tea remains. Not only have I witnessed this incident in person, I have been in the rage myself–

The incident that sticks in my mind (there have been a few, but this tops it) happened six months ago and has since become the stuff of tea legend around my parts. Waking up that morning, I had no idea I was about to encounter a run in with an infamous tea-lover of my parts–and from the look of his face when he saw me arrive in the aisle, neither did he.

We both knew the old trick, so when we arrived at the aisle and found there appeared to be no tea left, we thrust our arms into the shelf. What were we doing? Simple! We were hunting the tea placed at the very back by the dastardly tea-loving employees. And sure enough I found it before he did. And he went all white as I pulled the box of favourite tea out and said, “beat it man, this is mine. Deal with it!”

He looked like he was going to collapse. Then he reached into his pocket and yanked out a plastic bag. He was sweating and my eyes bulged as they focused on the stuff in the bag–finest East Asian tea-bags.

“I–I thought they were extinct!” I muttered.

He shook his head. “Now give me the box. I’ll swap you ten of these for all of those.”

A conundrum that even Carol Vorderman would have failed!

“How do I know you’re not lying?” I said. “Take them out and show me them. I need to smell them–”

So he did. He waved a couple in the air. But guess what? Well, utilizing my honed tea-senses I could tell they were fake. So I ran out of the store (after paying, with the guy close to me, waiting to pounce), and then the chase began. But I outran the guy with the help of my mizuno running shoes, that’s the point. And the result was a week of black tea pleasure that I very nearly lost out on–

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